I go back and read my old blog every now and then and cringe a little. I really went off the deep end. It brings back memories of that time and how little sleep I was getting. Sleep is a really big deal with me, I must have it but I also dread going to sleep. The old Night Owl/Early Bird combo that makes someone act bipolar as hell.
When you combine the drugs and prostitution you get a real fucked up situation.
I am not sure why I feel the need to look back at it, but I do. I used to get a sexual high from reading it. Then it turned into a reality check, looking back at all my shit. Now it is just a little depressing.
I have been looking online at providers in my area again, not that I want to spend the money right now, even though I actually have it to spend. I have other things I want/need to do with it. However, a part of me still wants that special feeling you get from a hook-up. That dirty little secret.
I also want mountains, beaches and time away without any pressures. So, I save instead.
I want to feel more of a connection to life and to my family.
I want to feel less tired all the damn time.
One of the things that has helped me the most is daily meditation and frankly, I have not been doing that at all. I just need to set aside the 20 min a day it takes to do it. I can take a shit and play games on my phone for a half an hour, but finding a quite space for 20 min seems impossible...
No excuses...
I also want calm, sexual, thoughtful, playful and connected sex...coupled with food and wine...and a good smoke after...I am tired of crazy.
