Sunday, December 31, 2017

Next year it will all be different...

That is the hope of each new years, that the next year will be different, better...

I have made a lot of changes this year, fell into an old trap but clawed my way back out of it again.

I am enjoying planning for next year.  Personal, work, budget...everything.  I really want to make next year different and build on the changes I made this year.

Much of that change is with my personal life and those who I spend my time with.  I was happy being a family man and a good neighbor.  I lost a lot of that these past few years.  I also my have done some serious damage to my psyche and my relationships by allowing myself to be pulled into a long slow depression.

No more.

I am healthier and I plan on continuing that.

I am wealthier and I plan on building on that.

I see happiness and plan on taking hold of it.

The choice is mine...I understand that.  I need to make the choice and just BE happy.

Good luck to everyone...


Friday, December 8, 2017

TMI Tuesday...Thought I would do one today.

TMI Tuesday Blog

1. What do you find sexiest in a woman?

The desire to fuck me...seriously, if you are DTF and confident in your ability to make my dick hard, that is a turn on.  I love calm.  Another word is alluring.  Someone who exudes sex with their whole being.  Confidence and a comfort with her sexuality and body.  Playfulness.

The shallow answer:  I like a skinny woman with small tits and great shoulders.

2. What do you find least sexy in a man?

Most everything as I am a man and not really attracted to other men.  The least sexy thing a man can do in my eyes is be a braggart.  I do not like the chest puffed, overly confident, douchey, fucktard act.  Also meanness.  If you are an asshole and treat others poorly, I don't care how piercingly blue your eyes are and how cut your jaw is...your an asshole.  Also poor hygiene.

3. Have you ever been the other woman or man? Would you do it again?

Kind of.  The person I was fucking on the side was in a relationship.  I was suppose to be out of the picture but we would still meet up to fuck.  I had to hide my car and sneak around.  It was kind of fun, it felt good that she still wanted to fuck me and that is was a secret.  This has always been my secret fantasy.  That the next door neighbor or a couple that we know well and associate with is also my secret fuck buddy.

On a Thursday when her husband goes to work or on a business trip I jump the fence and we fuck on the kitchen counter.  We sneak away at a party and she blows me, my cum fills her tummy the rest of the night and I can smell her pussy on my beard.

Better yet, swingers.  Another couple who we fuck around with and nobody knows.

I almost had that once...I doubt it will ever happen again...

4. Who puts more into a romantic relationship you or your significant other?

Neither of us right now.  In the past it has all been me.  I have would try and make a romantic gesture or set a mood and when my SO would realize that I was "putting the moves on her"  she would either act super surprised and clueless about it or roll her eyes and say something sexy like, "oh ya, we really need to have sex".  I was shut down in so many ways over the years that I just got tired of it happening and quit trying.

On her part, I can never remember her initiating sex in any real way.  I can never remember her trying to set a mood or get me to fuck her.  She says, "I always want it", and "I don't mind giving blowjobs", but then says, "I am just not good at it"......

Fuck...I don't want to go down this road right now.

Neither of us...lets just leave it at that right now.

5. Do you have a “work wife” or “office husband”?

NO, you don't shit where you eat.  Also, I am the boss and I am alone, so I can't be that close to anyone who I may have to fire.

Bonus: Are you in a healthy relationship? What makes you think so?

Bonus, bonus: Is the “work spouse” strictly a U.S. American anomaly (they do spend an insane amount of hours at work)? One study found 32% of Americans admitted to having a work spouse.

I don't know.  Other countries seem to be a bit more relaxed in the way they approach flirting and sex.  We are so repressed in the USA and fearful of sexual harassment, especially now.  I think it exists anywhere and everywhere but I do not have any insight into other world is rather small.

One big mating dance

I got court side seats last night.  Right behind the bench.  Food and everything included.  It felt nice.

I also am sore as hell from my workouts, so I ate a little bit of a pot gummy, just to take the edge off the soreness.  It kicked in halfway through the game and I had a really nice light high going on.  I was REALLY watching the game closely and quietly.  Its funny how different sports are, yet they are all the same.  The big show that happens around a bunch of guys playing ball.  I was tripping on it.

At commercial breaks the dancers came out and I saw them as birds doing a mating dance.  I wondered if, in the animal kingdom, all the mating dances serve to not only attract a mate, but to turn on the whole population.  The songs of sex and the movements of sex that all the other birds see releases chemicals in their brains that makes dicks hard and pussies wet.

Are we the same?  I liked watching the athletic, firm, scantly clad young bodies bounce around.  It made my dick hard.  Do women in the crowd feel the sexual energy also?  I know the other men do!

The clothes we wear and the makeup and hair of women.  It's all a mating dance...

We are beasts in our fields, rutting...

Saturday, November 11, 2017

My old blog

I go back and read my old blog every now and then and cringe a little.  I really went off the deep end.  It brings back memories of that time and how little sleep I was getting.  Sleep is a really big deal with me, I must have it but I also dread going to sleep.  The old Night Owl/Early Bird combo that makes someone act bipolar as hell.

When you combine the drugs and prostitution you get a real fucked up situation.

I am not sure why I feel the need to look back at it, but I do.  I used to get a sexual high from reading it.  Then it turned into a reality check, looking back at all my shit.  Now it is just a little depressing.

I have been looking online at providers in my area again, not that I want to spend the money right now, even though I actually have it to spend.  I have other things I want/need to do with it.  However, a part of me still wants that special feeling you get from a hook-up.  That dirty little secret.

I also want mountains, beaches and time away without any pressures.  So, I save instead.

I want to feel more of a connection to life and to my family.

I want to feel less tired all the damn time.

One of the things that has helped me the most is daily meditation and frankly, I have not been doing that at all.  I just need to set aside the 20 min a day it takes to do it.  I can take a shit and play games on my phone for a half an hour, but finding a quite space for 20 min seems impossible...

No excuses...

I also want calm, sexual, thoughtful, playful and connected sex...coupled with food and wine...and a good smoke after...I am tired of crazy.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

It's been a while

So here I am.  Still kicking around the net, just not as much any more.  I think the bug to share my experiences went away with the decision to not be as involved with the Spinner any more.  Do I miss it, sometimes...but apparently not enough to come back too often.

The only exciting sexual thing that has happened is that I booked a call girl when I was in Las Vegas.  It has been a long time since I had been with anyone.  I was sick of jacking off and was really missing the Spinner and feeling like I might be tempted to get back involved.  I figured it would be a great way to have some naughty fun and scratch the itch.

She was very cute, however, not all that in the sack.  It was more me than her.  I was nervous, I did not know her, it has been a long day and was very late.  There was also a little false advertising on her part.  Namely her tits...not what I expected, not bad per say, just not what I had envisioned.  We still had a nice time.  She spent a long time telling me about her family and her life, which was a "white trash novel".  Full of meth, multiple dads, jail and running away to be a stripper/hooker in sin city.

After listening to it all I just felt bad...but still we still fucked, but that shit was in the back of my mind the whole time.

In the end it just did not match up to sex with the Spinner.  I tell you, that girl can lie.

I am still in therapy but have taken a break, mainly due to the therapist going on vacation and my busy schedule.  I am not sure if I should tell the therapist about Las Vegas, but then I wonder why I want to pay someone to lie to them.  I also wonder why I started going in the first place.  Was it business/financial stress, home/relation stress, woman on the side/Spinner stress or a great big combination of it all.

Has it helped? Sure..I guess.

I have someone to talk to, to call me on my shit.  The advice that has been given I have not really followed up on.  Mainly, how can I mend my relationship at home.  How can I get attracted to my spouse again.  The work that it is going to take to do that seems laborious and damn near hopeless.  Additionally, I am not sure that is what I want, but I am sure it is what I should do.

Then the part of my brain that says, "We only get one trip on this wagon ride, make it count," chimes in and all I want is to run to the spinner and profess my love.  God knows what that would do to everyone's life.  Also, there is a great chance that I would end up just like all the other poor guys that have been there before me and had their carcasses and bank accounts sucked dry, left in her wake.

I know she does not mean to do it, she is just surviving, but I don't want to end up another victim.

I don't have much else to say.  Hell, I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore...

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Still around

i still exist.

Therapy had been a mixed bag...

While I have seen the spinner, it is not like it was.  I am basically out of her life, we have moved on.

I work constantly, I am doing better in my business but I am a still a long way from the stability I crave.  I am working 6 days a week, down from

The wife and I are still figuring it out.  With everyone's life colapsing, we are the rocks, the anchor.  It is crazy to think that our marriage is stable in comparison.

I miss kink...

I miss rough sex...

I miss being touched and kissed...

Not sure how long I can last like this....

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Sex and sexlessness

So it have been a month almost since I said goodbye.  There was one last fling, so...ya...

I feel good about everything, it all ended better than I thought it would, which is good when you have strong feelings for someone.  I have been slowly disconnecting.  In the past I have kept the path clear and remained in close contact, it was bad for my mental health.

Do I miss fucking bet I do.

I miss the idea of a secret affair, the reality had some really shitty side effects.  It might be different if both parties had something to lose and it was just about the sex.  Mix in money and some serious personal issues on both sides and it is not a good way to live.

The big issue that I am struggling with is the sexlessness that I am now in.  Other than porn and my hand I am not getting any for the foreseeable future.  I don't know how to fix things with the spouse. She has mentioned that she would go to couples counseling, which is a big improvement.  I think she should have some personal counseling first then we can do couples but she seems to think that she does not need it.

As I go thorough therapy I have realized that the shit that happened was a result of a shit load of dysfunction that goes WAAAAY back.  This does not excuse my philandering but it does put things into perspective a bit.  I was ready to commit suicide, hell...I tried...that is another thing that the Spinner did for me..she saved I felt like I had to save her.  Two people drowning cannot save each other.  And nobody can save you from yourself.

So, this brings me back to sex.

I do not have the spark or the attraction to the spouse.  We have also not had sex it quite a while.  I don't know how and I don't really want to get it going again at this point.  I don't want to have to imagine someone else in my mind or will my way through it, and I don't want the stress of having to try and stay hard...because that is what happens.  I don't want to suffer through a lack luster, begrudged blow job.  I don't want to compare the sex I am having to the sex I COULD be having.

There is the urge to find a pro and get the wonderful anonymous factor back.  No names, no strings, just a business for pleasure exchange.  I get mine, they get theirs and we go our separate ways.

But then what...

I don't know what the answer will be, for now...I am just going to keep on, keeping on...

and jack off...a lot...